My friend Dan died May 28, 2009, two years and 3 days after my sister, Vikki. Vikki died of ovarian cancer in Nassau, Bahamas, Dan died of nose cancer in Atlanta, Georgia. Dan was 62, Vikki was 44. For both, their fight was short; death came too soon for them. And for us who they left behind.
On May 14, 2009 I sent Dan and John, Dan’s partner of 35 years, a message just checking in, seeing how things were. I knew Dan had been ill and my last message from them said he had seemed to be improving. The message I received back was grave. Dan had been moved to a hospice. John had been his primary care giver for the past year, since he had been diagnosed with the cancer. The decision to stop all treatment had been made. Now, Dan’s medical needs were such that John would no longer be able to care for him at home. Two weeks later my sweet, funny friend, Dan, was dead.
I am writing this story for John, Dan’s partner, also my friend. I have never been able to tell you John how much the death of Dan touched me, so close on the heels of that of Vikki. I think somehow you knew it would affect me. I had not seen you or Dan since my wedding almost 7 years earlier but we have always managed to stay in contact through all my wanderings through Europe and now Asia. I never spent a huge amount of time with you both in Atlanta. Yet, you became my friends, two people I knew I could always turn to for whatever reason. Now one of you was gone. Dan was gone; the person who brought us together and created our friendship.
Three days after the second anniversary of Vikki’s death. Three days later to mourn the death of a friend. I remember telling Didier numbly that Dan was dead. I was at a loss for words. I did not know what to say, how to express what I felt. How it hurt and how it brought back fresh Vikki’s death. Why does the universe take the good ones?
What could I say to you John? What could I say that could make you feel better? Nothing. I could not say that time would heal the hurt, how could I when it had been two years, now three at this writing, and I still hurt. I did not want to sound fraudulent in my own ears. I could not find the words to comfort you. Not much could have comforted you then. I think you knew that. Now one year later you write to me that things are better, a little less painful. You have been through all the one year anniversaries, thinking what you would have done together on those days, thinking of the arguments or bad times, what you could have done differently. You have woken every day and faced an empty house, void of Dan’s presence. At least I could get away from the Bahamas, away from the house where Vikki lived with my mother; unlike my mother.
My first Christmas after Vikki died, we escaped to Mauritius to try to have a holiday, to get away, in essence to forget. I could not. I saw Vikki in my mind’s eye standing on the roadsides in Mauritius, dressed all in white with her white blonde hair. I became angry, so angry. Anger was my Christmas present to Didier and Gabby, only 15 months then. It was as if I blamed them for her death. They were the closest, the easiest targets at which my grief could lash out. I was tired, so tired, blinded by sorrow I could not express, by memories. I felt no-one understood, no-one could say anything to help me. I hated everyone for it. No-one could take away my pain, assuage my anger. Just listening to me could not help. I couldn’t even describe what I felt.
Every year during the 10 days prior to Vikki’s death, I live my own private hell no matter how hard I try to forget. The images of Vikki in those last days of her life are still vivid. What she did, what she said, how she moaned in agony, the moments during which she took her last breaths, my actions, my mother’s wretched grief… everything is still there living in full colour in my memory. The cycle is not complete until May 31 when she was buried. The second date I cannot forget either. It was the date, the anniversary of my wedding in France with Didier’s family who were unable to celebrate the real wedding with us in Nassau, as you and Dan did. Now it is the date Vikki was committed to the earth. In those remaining 6 days I relive the days following her death, the funeral preparations, my beaten mother, the argument with my second older brother that has split me from him, the battered corpse of Vikki to whose face I applied makeup for the sake of a viewing, a ceremony of a religion I no longer believe in. I have the imprint of that soulless stiff body in that coffin within me still.
Can I train my brain to forget? Can we train our brains to leave their memories in the past, to move forward in life? Talking to people who have lost a sibling, for me, others who have lost a lover and partner, like you…. does it help? I do not know, I have not had this opportunity. Or perhaps I resist the idea. If I participated in a group like this I would want to scream out…. yes, you speak of your sibling but I cannot feel your grief, I can only feel mine for the loss of my sibling, my sister, who you never knew. Maybe I should try it. You said it has helped you.
I recently found a website that discusses sibling grief. It is the closest I have come to someone understanding what it has been like for me. It is the closest I have come for me even to comprehend how I feel. I was the one there at the end to give support to my mother. I cannot fathom what it is like to lose a child but I have seen it written on my mother’s face, in her body, in her thinking. All I could do was to try to protect her from getting hurt more. But who protected me? I was there alone with my mother. I had to be the strong one. In the Bahamas, there was only one person who acknowledged my grief. Kelly, the sister of an old schoolmate, a person I barely knew, spoke the words that mattered most to me ‘I feel your pain.’ Thank you, Kelly. Now it is your sister who might be ill. I hope I never need repeat those words back to you.
John, I still do not know how to make the loss of Dan feel better for you. We both know he, like Vikki, would not have wanted us to spend so much time grieving their deaths. But I also know that it is us who are left behind. You are not Dan. I am not Vikki. We are who we are. I understand if you still need to grieve. I understand if at times you feel you want to do nothing at all to get over Dan’s death. I understand if you want to move on. By moving on, at times we can feel guilty of forgetting them, so we seem stuck in our despair. I understand it is hard. I understand there are times when you are sad, angry, resentful, moody, tired. I understand if you feel cheated, misunderstood, not talkative. I understand that it’s ok to want to live a normal life, go out, be with friends and family, to laugh at funny moments without feeling you are betraying Dan’s memory, to even laugh at something he would have said or done in a similar situation. I also understand that now, one year later, it’s still ok to cry, to feel strangled by tears that refuse to flow, to feel your chest is tight, restricted.
I want to tell you that I am so sorry Dan died, that he died from such an ugly stupid disease. I am sorry for his suffering and for yours. I am sorry for the loss of my friend, the loss of your partner. I am sorry I never got to see Dan again, to hear his jokes, to see you two still together after so long. Your relationship awed me, made me feel all things in love were possible. I am sorry I did not come to his funeral. Even if I could have, I would not have. I did not think I could bear it and I would not have been any comfort to you. So I am sorry if I was not there for you. I couldn’t be… I did not know how. Only now through these writings am I able to say how I felt, how I feel, for the first time to really think about events and write about my feelings, my emotions. It is difficult to do. Maybe even worse than talking about it to someone, you cannot hide from your own mind. Maybe I should do what you are doing, write a letter to Vikki. What would I say? I do not know.
You sent me a message about a memorial for Dan that was held on July 24 at Sacred Heart Roman Catholic Church in Atlanta. My sister is buried in a church in Nassau with the same name. What coincidence is this?
Here is a something amusing I am certain Dan would have appreciated. After the funeral, the wreath of large pink roses and blue-violet orchids that my mother and I had selected was placed on top of Vikki’s grave. They were placed there in spite of the fact that people in that neighbourhood seem to enjoy robbing the dead of their flowers on a fairly regular basis. Friends were concerned there would be no flowers left on the grave the next morning. There were. Not a one had been touched. We joked that no-one had dared steal flowers off the grave of Vikki, that she must have been there guarding them somehow, threatening eternal haunting to any thief that ventured into the graveyard to make off with any of her beautiful flowers.
I didn’t attend the memorial for Dan either. But this is my memorial to Dan now, for you…
I remember Dan, my client who became my friend, my gay friend who introduced me to his wonderful partner John, who is still my friend. I remember Dan, my fellow cat lover, my comedian, my birthday party guest with red roses in hand when I worked at CARE, who poked fun at me for my date who was younger than me. I remember Dan, who invited me to dinner parties with a hilarious pig farmer, who set me up on a date with someone from Kentucky, who filled my glass with wine, my heart with lightness and laughter. I remember Dan, who took me to lunch in Atlanta before I left to live in Paris then came to visit, thought the men were skinny and short and pretended to eat an entire bowl of chocolate mousse. I remember Dan, my sender of Christmas cards with money to treat myself to a drink; my wedding guest, who met my sister and became friends with other friends from my wedding and whose exquisite gift of a glass flower sits in my living room.
I remember Dan and there always next to Dan doing all these things, has been John. John, who I hope reads this and understands what I am trying to say to him. Who I hope will never stop being my friend, who I hope I will see some day again, and who is always welcome wherever I am.